Self for Hire

 

There are many people living and working in almost every business in the world that do so without even truly thinking about it. Maybe they begin to complain at some point, listing problems to dislikes in a humorous fashion, but always mulling on in the same job for years, decades, always with eyes set on retiring and waiting anxiously to live their life then.

But what about all the life between that?

It could be considered a prison sentence; you've been termed to work for 30-40 years for your service, then you will be discharged with a convenience salary until death, thank you.

But shame if you should be in one of those positions and should begin to question it, wondering why and how and what if, wanting more for yourself and being wholly dissatisfied with life as it is.

For strength is doing just that - is questioning why not and what if, throwing caution and normality to the wind and choosing instead to seek an everlasting journey of happiness.

I was that person.

The one that begins working and earning and buying and the world does pull you in its slow, revolving wheel until you wake up with fifteen years wasted on a job that never brought more happiness than it paid. 

I sat many nights while my husband worked night shifts, wondering how I could sleep when he was not home, wondering how people accept a life like this at all, wanting nothing more but to end it but feeling constantly like there was nothing I could do.

The decisions we make in life, each tiny decision, add up to be our whole life, and we truly become the things we do.

Therefore we must pay extreme attention to what we invest our time in, our minds and our hearts. I feel this now in my life more than ever. After choosing to leave that well paying job, selling most of our belongings and adding it all to our savings for a pursuit of our own dreams, goals and aspirations. To invest our time into ourselves and our interests, to become the things we feel deep inside.

There are many steps to reaching a place of even knowing what you enjoy in life, or who you truly are. Spending time with yourself, through writing, self expression, free and random stream of consciousness, diving into the inner thoughts and uncovering what it is you enjoy. 

I always say to someone who is beginning to question what it is they want in life: 

- What are you good at?
- What do you enjoy doing?
- What is it you truly want to achieve in life?

For me those answers are: writing papers (blah), writing to express and understand, and I want to influence and inspire positive change. Which for me all intersect at a very fine point, but all came through an eternally bumpy journey. 

At first I was a journalism major in college, which taught me I didn't really need to go to college to be a journalist (literally day one what they said), but also and more importantly, taught me that journalistic writing really isn't my style, a good lesson learned. Next I became a secondary education English major, thinking I still wanted to have a job option right out of college but also that I could make a difference and teach English from a better perspective. English is after all way more than just grammar. After a good semester, I realized I actually didn't have the GPA to pass the college's requirements and decided instead to change my major to simply - English. A note to the people that think C's get degrees - as I learned - they don't actually, sometimes. However, I realized in my new full-time English classes (a completely different college from secondary ed) that I was actually, and for the first time, at home in a major. There through reading and writing analytical papers, I dove deeply into a part of myself that has always been waiting. I found that I truly enjoyed analyzing and understanding. I enjoyed writing most of all, and through writing I enjoyed understanding. At some point I decided I had absorbed as much knowledge as I felt they could teach me and at the beginning of my senior year dropped out.

For me I had found my purpose, which I believe is the major reason to invest in college, and I could now take my learning into my own hands, to build myself and my knowledge at my own pace. 

The journey of self discovery is winding and ever growing, so to say that at any point in life that we are done, is to limit and restrict growth completely. It is to even perhaps avoid answering these simple questions, and avoid completely wondering whether what you are doing is truly what you want in life.

When answering those questions there always has to be some form of aligning ideas, always leading to a stepping stone to which you can better understand yourself and continue on reaching to the ultimate answer. 

I'm sure there are some people that know right away what they want and how reach it, but perhaps, I think there are many more people in search of that answer. Still wanting to know who they really are or what it is they really want. There are so many generic answers and so many answers that could have never been imagined, that instead just happened to be and was instantly the best there ever was. 

To whichever and whatever be the answer of my life's mystery, I will await it and eagerly press on towards it, always mindful of my own personal truths. 

 

Words and photos by Brianna Holman
I'm Brianna, a simple, honest lady, finding my way through my mid twenties, writing, reflecting, questioning, and improving; always seeking to move forward, to push myself outside of my comfortable norm. Now with my husband and our eight dogs we've chosen to consciously live with less making possible our ability to travel across country in our Fleetwood trailer. I am an admitted, continuous work in progress, in search of more questions to answer, ways to understand, and stories that enlighten. I seek understanding in every aspect of life, I seek empathetic understanding for everyone in life. I seek to reflect an honest life and inspire humble thoughts.