Embracing The Chaos
What has a life of travel with husband and ten dogs taught me mostly?
It has taught the ultimate rule that life is always chaos, in some form, with varying parts, but likely always to be in shades of chaos.
Be it fast paced,
Wore down without sleep
Too messy, dysfunctional, disorganized
Too filled, or equally too empty
In the wrong direction, in no direction
Stressful, lonely, loved
Life is full always at every point and always subject to imperfections, so if we can not escape the calamity why should we not better learn how to accept it.
Embracing it with two arms and laughing with the things that do not go our way.
Knowing full well perfection does not, could not ever exist, knowing too that I am not in search of perfection.
I think I’ve been learning this best about my own expectations during our current travels through the southwest. How much do I expect perfection in everyday and every moment, even when I know it gets overly hot at points, we get tired, and hungry and worn down from even the best of situations, even the very things we've wanted most can weigh on our bodies and minds.
Perfection is impossible on the whole.
But it is very nearly achieved moment to moment. We can look at it from the view point of finding perfection in every moment by finding gratitude or thankfulness for something in every moment - thereby curving each anxious thought, grounding each over reached need to a humbled, thankful stand point.
“Just to be here”
I say to myself in times of strain. When the sun is relentless and the shade impossible to find, when water is low and dogs full of an unending energy.
No life is perfect, and yet with sharing our lives it becomes hard to balance the reality of the behind the scenes, the planning and saving and working to reach this place only to find that stress and hardship, fear and anxiety wait to meet us here all the same.
They will not ever leave us really, anxiety and fear follow us wherever our minds go.
So many thoughts that do cross my mind on the road, like what if the car should break down and we have to walk or the dogs and I have to stay while Garrett walks, what if the brakes give out or wear down from these hard mountains, what if we run out of water, what if a dog breaks out of the fence, or chews through a leash again, what if we’re stuck here and can’t find cell reception for days.
This chaos that exists in my mind that wishes to take every good moment away, that wishes me to say we should not have left at all, we should have never tried to succeed so that we would never have to question failure, wishes to control every thing entirely.
That is until the very moment I let go of my need for perfection and embrace life as it is. Thankful only for this moment- whatever that moment may be- thankful to still be in motion, that this car is still moving, that we have all we need and are here, safely- whatever the moment is I find myself in it and thankful for it.
I embrace it all by accepting it into the journey.
Just to be here is worth all of the chaos and workload of hauling and setting up, of sacrificing food or warmth. To be here, day after day after day, on our own is not to be perfect or to be idealistic, it is to be in the world solidly, feeling and thinking, raw emotions and raw experiences that open my mind to connect these obvious dots, of accepting our flaws that seek perfection, watering them down with acceptance, with a peaceful acceptance that we can just be here and be happy for it without the need of much more.
But from the outside so often we don't see those thoughts, or even think of what a person may go through to reach their dreams. What they have given up, as with everything we choose we must simultaneously give up so many other options.
We must battle our minds to stay positive in our course and from the very start we must know that this journey will be imperfect and chaotic, will hand us more trials and lessons than ever before, but it is in pursuit of that gained knowledge that we work.
Letting go of ideas of perfection
to better learn how to let life be what it is,
and not anger when it does not fit into the box we prepared for it.
Let it wind and crack open a little, showing the strings and mechanic insides, let it wax and wane into fullness and let us absorb what it offers right now, in this moment.
Accepting the imperfections of a long, tiring road trip lessens the strain I feel in times of disappointment, no everything does not have to ring a solid, beautiful note, some things can lay flat and boring and be just the same. I do not have to put so much pressure on ourselves or our life to meet some unachievable idea.
No life is perfect,
And can never be perfect.
So why should we not better fight to embrace the chaos.
Embrace the imperfections, the dirty corners and the dusty shelves, the tired bodies and sore attitudes. We all have them at some point. And yet outwardly pretend as though flawless perfection could ever exist beyond a moment’s time.
Of all the things a life of travel, confined spaces, and multiple hairy dogs have taught me, it is that life is so far from being perfect and is honestly just so much better in chaos, so why not learn to exist in chaos and function beautifully, appreciating everything all the same.
Words and photos by Brianna Holman
I'm Brianna, a simple, honest lady, finding my way through my mid twenties, writing, reflecting, questioning, and improving; always seeking to move forward, to push myself outside of my comfortable norm. Now with my husband and our eight dogs we've chosen to consciously live with less making possible our ability to travel across country in our Fleetwood trailer. I am an admitted, continuous work in progress, in search of more questions to answer, ways to understand, and stories that enlighten. I seek understanding in every aspect of life, I seek empathetic understanding for everyone in life. I seek to reflect an honest life and inspire humble thoughts.